So the last couple of posts have been pretty heavy.
Which is why today I bring you a moment of zen(p).

Posted by Sidero at 11:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I talked to Leah on the phone last night, she sounded pretty rough, but that is to be expected. The breathing tube they had tore up her wind pipe pretty good from the sound of it. Her walk went ok, and she is expecting to do more today. I guess she's already getting hit on by the old men and plans to make more friends today while doing laps with her wheel chair walker.

Posted by Sidero at 08:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

As many of you know, I dated a young lady named Leah during the spring of last year. The fact that she lived 4 hours away in Des Moines made it kind of difficult, and we broke up last summer. What most of you do not know is that Leah had a problem with her heart. She had a hole in one of her valves that would cause non oxygenated blood to be pushed back out to her body upon return to the heart, rather than being pushed to the lung's. During a check up late last year she was informed that the hole seemed to be getting larger and that she would need to have surgery to attempt to repair the hole in her heart. Leah immediately started planning for the surgery, and possibility of her not surviving, from what she told me the procedure has a 60% survival rate. She made a list of things she wanted to do before she died and started knocking things off the list. One of the things on the list was to get back in touch with me, which she did. We started to communicate again late last year and I have gone down to Des Moines to spend time with her a couple of times since then.

Well... Yesterday was the day for her surgery. She chose the 22nd because it is the day her mother died 7 years ago. She figured there was no way a mother and daughter could die on the same day 7 years apart. She had also read somewhere that on the day you die you are allowed to come back and be among the living, so her mother would be around to help her out if she got lost. The reason for all the hubbub is that the procedure would require that her heart be chemically stopped for 7 to 8 minutes.

That is 7 to 8 minutes where she is legally dead.

Needless to say she was a little freaked out by the whole prospect.

She was supposed to go in at 7 yesterday, but they were waiting on her blood work to come back from the lab resulting in a delay. Luckily I got the chance to talk to her for a little bit and she seemed ready to just get it over with. One of her brothers and one of her sisters was there with her as well as her dad and some other family. She said that she and her siblings had spent the night in a big king size bed, or more specifically they had while she sat up and smoked a cigarette every 20 minutes. We had to cut the conversation short but she assured me that I would be getting updates via Text from her sister.

I'll be putting any updates I get below, so stay tuned, and pray or send good thoughts her way, or whatever you can do to help her.

9:46 Update on L: she got wheeled in about 20 mins ago the surgery started. they "say" it will be 4 hours... she was in good spirits and was high! was funny :)

12:04 Update: the surgery is going as planned so far no complications they expect 2 stop her heart in the next 30 mins and are prepping her 4 that..

2:44 Update on L: its long sorry she is out of OR had some complications was cardiac arrest for 12 Mins.. is alive but unable 2 breath on her own.. is in ICU She isn't stabilizing and unable 2 keep a steady beat and unsure on brain damage.. but got over this hurdle she's fighting it they said.

At 5 I sent a request for and update and got the following reply:

We have seen her but we cant go into her room yet.. she has been almost stable still on vent 2 breath.. they know she is dreaming so that's good Little brain damage if any at all.. 2 put in layman's terms.. her heart is just tired and doesn't want 2 do it is all they think if get through the first 24 hours changes really good.. as long as she wakes up.. we think she wont go that long without a smoke.. so she will wake up :)

8:02 Update 4 L: In ICU still. will be until she is more stabilized and able 2 breath on her own. looks like a pin cushion with all the IV's and tubes. not able 2 visitors. dad is staying in the room and we can only look through the window. hopefully gets better over night and wakes up.

11:54 Update: its late I know sorry. she is rejecting meds and stop responding 2 those drugs. we don't know what's happening fingers crossed going to be long night

Tues morning as I am typing this up I just got to more

8:35 Update 4 L: was a long night around 4am she stabilized and now she is having more active brain activity she is fighting the vent which is good she wants to breath on her own the Dr will be by soon is she keeps this up out of ICU today.. but she still hasn't woke up. We're exhausted and not celebrating yet. was a lot of scares through the night. careful not to jinx in.

9:52 Blood looks good, and heartbeat is good.. but she isn't waking up they are not worried.. and going to try no ventilator soon.

10:40 Update: She has been moved out of ICU! They are waiting for her to wake up to remove the ventilator. No flowers please she can't have them in her room. We're all doing ok now, and we don't need anything.

1:39 Update: She woke up! she was scared since she was strapped down to the bed. The tube was removed, but she is still on oxygen. She was up and talking for about 20 minutes and then went back to sleep. She is doing better, wanted water and warmer clothes so we got her changed. The Dr's are getting her up later to make her walk. They said she would have walked yesterday, but nearly dying threw a wrench in that plan. She needs to move to heal.

She is swearing and smiling so things are looking better. They know her heart is doing ok laying down, but need to get her up and moving to see if it is going to be ok then. She's not out of the woods yet, and they still need to run a bunch of tests, but she is doing much better than yesterday.

Posted by Sidero at 08:13 AM | Permalink

There's more to it then tipping a glass and acting foolish.

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I'm going to get drunk. I hate shots. It's coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink, and if you get one, tip accordingly or don't expect one again.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you", you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of their response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."

67. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . ."

78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.

79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.

82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. 20% is the standard percentage to tip, so figure it out.

87. If the lights suddenly get really bright and the music turns off, that probably means you should head for the door.

88. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink

89. If you adore your bartender(s) repost this for everyone to read

Posted by Sidero at 12:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Friday Dec 28th 2006.....

I am on my way home from work when I get a call from Tami, who lives across thestreet from my apt, wanting to know what the hell was going on at my building... She said they had an ambulance, a fire truck, and like 5 cop cars over there. They had parts of the parking lot blocked off and cops were going in and out of the building like crazy. So I talked to her while I drove home and she guided me into the lot, so I wouldn't get stopped by the cop's.

I hung up with her and went inside to find a Little Ol' Lady and one of the plastic girls from the office inside, the office Barbie was blocking the stairs, and told me there was a suspicious package in the building and the cops were there to check it out. As such I was not allowed to go up to my apt since they were evacuating the building. Me being me, I immediately asked why the fuck someone would want to blow up our apt building. She and the LO'L looked at me like was Satan, and kind of laughed. I informed Barbie (she looked like a Barbie doll) that I had to be at work in less than an hour and needed to go change clothes so I wouldn't be late.

So She agreed to let me go up as long as I was really quick about it. I went upstairs and called Tami back as I changed clothes and filled her in on what was going on. She graciously offered her place as a temporary residence should mine blow up, and also as a place to drink beer and watch the fire works from... Unfortunately I had to decline and go to work after making her promise to call me if the place blew up. So, I run downstairs and call Elrod on my way out of the parking lot. the whole time I am there I don't see a single cop, but there are cops all over the place… anyway, I call Elrod and fill him in on what's going on. He was all kinds of stoked, as was I of course. I made sure that I would let him know if I heard anything, and he said he would do like wise. So, I get to work, I'm all wired on coffee and adrenalin by the time I get there and light up a smoke… I'm shaking and all giddy… Steve is looking at me like I'm insane, until I tell him what is happening. Then he runs off to the office to check any of the news sites and changes the channel to one and gets all giddy at the prospect of my apt building blowing up. He offered me a place to stay too, so I really had my bases covered.

So the whole night goes by and I don't hear anything from Tami or Elrod. I drive home almost expecting a big hole in the building and find nothing. The next night Tami came into the bar and told me that at some point they brought in the bomb squad truck and all these cops came pouring out of the building, and then they brought something out of the truck, like a big box. A little bit later she heard someone on a megaphone counting down and loud boom. By the time she got over to the window the cops were all just standing there looking at a big metal box and talking. Shortly after that they all left, so she is guessing they brought the package out and blew it up. I can't find a god damn thing about it on any or the TV station sites, or the Argus... I think it's a Conspiracy.

Or they feel really silly for blowing up someone's christmas vibrator...

Posted by Sidero at 09:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I got this in a Bulletin today, and about shit myself:

Hey kids!

How would you like to have Richard Cheese & Lounge Against The Machine perform at YOUR wedding? Yes, yes, yes!

Yes, you can hire Richard Cheese to entertain at your wedding cocktail party this year! Please visit the "SHOWS+BOOKING" page at our website, and find out how you can get RC & LATM to swing at your thing!

And, if we can do two weddings in the same city on the same weekend, we'll discount both gigs! So, tell your friends to include us in their wedding plans, and make sure you've got plenty of bridesmaids to go around!

Thanks for believing in the cheese,

RC
lounge@richardcheese.com
www.richardcheese.com

Oh yeah, I need to find me a woman crazy enough to marry me STAT!!

And if you don't know who these guys are let me know, I'll burn you a CD. They kick ass!

Posted by Sidero at 03:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)